Keeping Christmas Traditions

Trying hard to make Christmas work for the children

All parents are under considerable pressure over Christmas and we look to our own childhood memories to gauge the success or otherwise of the festivities.  Traditions are hard to keep up in any family and sometimes a change is hard to make.  As adults, we are caught in the unenviable position of making all the plans and decisions.  Many people have to work over the festive period and others are away from loved ones.

Separated families at Christmas

For families who are separated, Christmas can be doubly difficult. They feel the change acutely and often blame it on the change of circumstances.  Christmas is more than just one day, it’s a season.  I have been asked to mediate on a number of occasions between parents over their Christmas arrangements.  This brought to mind a couple who came to mediation one September because their child arrangements, which had been in place for the previous 8 years, were becoming difficult.

Here is their Christmas story…

It seemed the arrangements for their son were going well, holiday plans were working and both had new partners that were respected by the other parent.  What was wrong, why the need for mediation, and I might add, why was a court date, fast approaching?

The parents told me how they met together for their son’s birthday and then it started… Mum began crying, in a way I have never seen before.  Christmas was mentioned.  Dad said very matter-of-factly, “this year it’s my turn”.

Their son had had Christmas Day with mum every year.  Mum said things like, he only knows waking up with me, he likes to be with me, my family are with us, we do the same things, you won’t know what to do.  She cried and cried and to be honest I was unsure how to stem the flow.  Dad was getting angry and mum was reacting, telling him he was bullying her.  I think she was using her tears to make him cave in; dad’s response was, “that’s it then we are going to court!”

I took the opportunity to explore what mum thought Christmas should be like. She spoke of her family traditions, memories and expectations.  Her parents were also divorced.   Every Christmas her parents got together for Christmas Dinner after Father Christmas had been.

Dad’s parents were together and he had clear memories of waking up on Christmas morning.  He explained he knew that Father Christmas came to her house and hadn’t wanted to take that away from her or their son. Mum realised that the sudden interest in Christmas morning was because dad had previously been sensitive to their son’s expectations… but now he no longer believed in Father Christmas.

And so this Christmas story has a happy ending, dad picked up his son on the 23^rd and spent Christmas morning with his son for the first time.

I don’t think a court could have turned the situation around to allow mum and dad to agree together to add to what were already successful child arrangements.  Mum feared losing her son at Christmas, but mediation allowed her to hear dad’s view and, more importantly, his motivation.  They came to the right decision in the best interests of their son.

It is never too early to make Christmas plans.

Mediation is the way to make your decisions together by making a parenting plan.

Contact us at this link Mediated Dispute Solutions 

or call us on 020 85054175 or our East Anglia Branch 01379 773082